A Drop In The Ocean...

Not that anyone cares…

But I’ve been battling with bulimia since I was a freshman. I was in “recovery” for a while as of last summer. I was doing really well. But in the middle of the summer my father lost our house and I had to move in with my mother. This means I moved away from my city/family/ (ex) bf/school/friends. I have been feeling so confused and alone. My new boyfriend cares a lot for me and he knows of my eating disorder.

But… He doesn’t know that after a few relapses this school year that its started again.. It not so much a weight thing for me as it is a control technique. (With all the craziness in my life, with my Dad constantly in and out of jail and my sick little brother the only thing I CAN control is what I eat). Anyway…

I decided I can’t live this way and I’m going to confess to someone other than my boyfriend about this problem. It’s not a huge step but it will be nice to get this secret off my shoulders. It’s taken over my life. I can’t even eat an airhead without running to a toilet to puke it up afterwards. I feel so… Hideous. But I know I can be beautiful. When I was healthy mentally and happy in the 8th grade I weighed 150lbs. Now at age 18 and standing 5’8, at 126lbs I’ve never felt more depressed.

My weight does not effect my happiness. Even though the monsters in my head tell me otherwise. They tell me that if I was skinny everything would be better in my life. But the hard truth is ; the world doesn’t give a shit if I’m fat or skinny. But I do. And my sisters and my boyfriend care if I’m healthy and happy.

I hate this. I want to be healthy. I need to be happy. I am not ugly. The monsters are. I am not “fat.” I am a sad girl. But I will get help. And I will be ok.